Open Mouth, Insert Stiletto

Received a phone call from JSquared last night and he had a "we have to talk" tone in his voice. He had just gotten off the phone with a friend of his, whose wedding we attended at the beginning of June. Groom was extremely angry with me and angry with JSquared for bringing me to the wedding.

Why you ask? At some point during the wedding, I remarked to the Groom’s brother, Super Sensitive Shorty (hereinafter "SSS"), something along the lines "Stand up straight. You look much taller with good posture." This incredibly upset SSS who, prior to my comment, was having a fantastic evening at his brother’s wedding. Apparently he had some growth issues as a child, spending six years in a brace and is extremely sensitive about his height (approximately 5'7"?). My comment sent SSS into a tailspin for the rest of the evening. This then upset Groom, who was angry that SSS was so upset. This in turn upset Bride, who was angry that Groom and SSS were so upset.

So Groom and Jsquared had a nice hour long row about me - "What kind of person makes a comment like that?" "Her drunkenness doesn’t excuse her comments." "Lux is the queen of evil." Etc. JSquared valiantly defended me, explaining that I HAD NO IDEA about his brother’s childhood height issues and that my comments were not meant to offend. Jsquared also explained that he knew I would feel horribly about this and would want to apologize in any way I could. By the end of the conversation Groom had calmed down somewhat and said he would speak to SSS and see how he wanted to proceed.

After hearing all of this, I felt lower than dirt. I couldn’t stop thinking about the awful ripple effect caused by my comments. I hurt SSS. By hurting him I hurt Groom and Bride. By hurting them I caused a rift between JSquared and Groom. If I had known about SSS’s childhood ailments, I never would have made those comments. I made a random insensitive comment that meant no harm, but through the intersection of circumstances caused a ton of damage. I am terribly sorry about all of this and I plan on doing whatever I can to make things right.

However, I do have a few thoughts:

1. I do not remember making these comments. I do not doubt that I said this or am trying to absolve myself of any blame. I note this only to show that these were surfacely innocuous comments and nothing about the conversation or SSS's response to my comments stand out in my mind.

2. What I said really wasn’t that offensive. Insensitive, yes. Offensive, no. And the comments came from a good place. Though this is only my opinion, I believe that a shorter person can look inches taller by having good posture and walking into a room as if he/she owns it. SSS is a nice, shy, sensitive guy, albeit with terrible posture. Now I know that SSS’s bad posture comes from genetics rather than old-fashioned slouching. And that his posture in general is none of my business. However, at the time, I just wanted to make SSS aware of what good posture combined with a composed bearing could do for him.

3. Why didn’t SSS say something to me right after I commented on his height? Why not say immediately afterwards "You know I had growth issues as a child and I don’t appreciate you commenting on my height." Or, when I ran into SSS a week later, why didn’t he say something to me then? Why is Groom fighting SSS’s battles? SSS is an adult in his late twenties, not a child. If SSS has a problem with me, why didn’t he speak up?

4. Does the phrase "mountain out of a molehill" occur to anyone? Or "big baby"?

5. In the law, there exists the concept of the "hypersensitive plaintiff." Basically, a defendant will not be held liable to a person who suffers severe emotional trauma from conduct that would not seriously harm most people. SSS, Groom, and Bride fail to recognize that my comments about SSS’s height and posture, though none of my business, would not seriously upset a person who did not have SSS’s childhood history. These comments especially wouldn’t send most people into an emotional nosedive, making them unable to enjoy their sibling’s wedding. SSS - Grow up.

6. Why wait almost a full month to discuss this with JSquared, and therefore, me? I know Bride and Groom were on their honeymoon, but why didn’t they call when they got back two weeks ago? Why didn’t SSS say something when he saw me a week later? See #3.

Having gotten all of that out of my system, I publicly apologize to SSS. My insensitive comments, in light of what I now know about your history, were incredibly hurtful, and I’m sorry. If I had an inkling that my off the cuff statement would cause you this pain, I never would have said anything. No matter what my intent was or how innoffenseive I view my words, I still cut you to the core and I wish I could take them back.

I also publicly apologize to Bride and Groom. I like and respect both you very much. Finding out that my actions put a damper on your wedding hurts me deeply. I never meant to do so. I am incredibly sorry.

I hate walking past construction workers eating their lunches or taking a break. The workers either ogle you as you walk past or accost you with outrageous catcalls ("Hello Ms. Sugar Lips," "Hey Pink Pants," "Shake that thang," etc.). I'm not sure why they insist on acting like Neanderthals but my girlfriends and I find the experience extremely unpleasant.

Today I had the exact opposite encounter. On the way to pick up my dry cleaning I walked past four construction workers eating their lunches. Rather than leer at me, they gazed in my direction and said "Hello," "Good afternoon Ms.," and "Nice Day." I was surprised by their good manners and walked on a few steps, before turning around and heading back toward them.

I must tell you that this was the most pleasant interaction I've ever had
with construction workers. Rather than feeling like a sexual object, you
acknowledged me as a person. Thank you and have a nice day.

I thought acknowledgment might reinforce their good behavior. I only wish all construction workers could take a course given by Ms. Manners.

Kids say the darndest things

Yesterday, over lunch with his sister, niece, and parents, JSquared told his parents about me. After the grand announcement (I’m picturing a Charlton Heston-esque "I haavve a girrrlfriennnnd!"), his mother asked "What is she like?" JSquared said to his niece "You met Lux. Why don’t you tell Grandma what she is like?"

"Well, she used to be in clothes and she taught me about cashmere. She likes to draw and is very good at making penguins. And she has big breasts."

This is how his niece described me. And she said it as if those three points sum me up completely. According to her, the only things a person need know about me is that I used to work in the fashion industry, have some artistic talent, and big breasts. If his niece was an eight year old nephew, I would expect the pervy comment. Yes, they are large and they are spectacular, but his niece learned more about me than the size of my breasts. She could have gone with "blond" or "nice" or "smart" or "funny" or "tall" or "likes pizza" or any other various descriptors. She chose breasts.

Now, when I meet JSquared’s parents, both sets of eyes will immediately go to my chest.

2 am Drunk Dialing

At 2 am this morning my cell phone rang, waking me from a dead sleep. It was my friend Party Girl. I picked up assuming it was some sort of emergency and all I heard were the sounds of a rowdy reception. "Hello Party Girl, are you ok?" "Hello, hello?" "Hello?" Nothing but raucous laughter, boorish Wasp accents, and drunken speech. I hung up but it took an hour to go back to sleep.

This morning I texted Party Girl to make sure the 2 am phone call was accidental and that everything was ok. She texted back "Sorry about call. Was drunk, wanted to tell you funny joke, then forgot why I called. Put phone back in bag w/o hanging up. Sorry again." Thank you Party Girl. I appreciate the call. The joke was funny.

Exclusively Asia

WTF is up with the Asian chick thing? I don’t get it. I know plenty of guys have it huge for Asian women and basically only Asian women. My BF has it hard for Asian women; many of the women in his past are Asian. As a 5'9" tall, busty blond, I am the furthest thing from the sleek, black haired women of Asia. If he ever leaves me or cheats on me its going to be for/with a girl named Hiroko. I trust BF for the most part, but when there are Asian women around I watch him like a hawk.

How much is average?

My friend RR and I had dinner a few days ago, where she complained about her and her husband’s sex life. She said that at nine weeks pregnant, she doesn’t have the energy to have sex more than once or twice each week. She would rather sleep.

All joking, kidding, and exaggerating aside, I think having sex twice each week is pretty good. When the two people in a healthy long term relationship work 10-12 hour days, I would think that having sex twice each week is standard. Maybe you aren’t going for the Erotic Olympics gold, but you are still in contention for bronze or even silver. Especially if the couple does not live together.

JSquared and I are currently in a long distance phase of our relationship (me in Philadelphia, him in NYC), so we have sex once or twice a week, but we cram it into the weekends during our visits. (In the interests of full disclosure, I admit that last weekend’s three sessions were an outlier). When I move to NYC in September, I fully expect us to throw in at least one more session a week. If we eventually move in together, I can picture throwing in another freaky evening. But I do not expect us to get up to RR and her husband’s alleged six to seven sexual adventures each week. So how much is average?

Right Place, Wrong Person

While BF attended the memorial service on Saturday, I vegged out on his couch and finished reading a Caleb Carr novel. His land line rings and though I instinct is to pick it up (why?), it goes to voice mail. This was the message left by JSquared's sister:

"JSquared, we've been outed. Mom heard about our myspace pages from K and checked them out without telling us. Then she called me and said 'JSquared has a girlfriend! And she is blond! And she is a lawyer!' I told her that yes I knew about her and that it was no big deal and that you were planning on telling her about the girlfriend when you were home this weekend. I guess the cat is out of the bag now!"

Some background: Though JSquared and I have been dating for around eight months, he has yet to tell his parents about me. For some perspective, I told my parents about our first date. He claims that it is because his mother gets over enthusiastic about the women that he dates and that she gets very disappointed when it doesn't work out. (Though this may be the case, I think the real reason why he doesn't say anything is because he doesn't want his parents to know how many women he has dated). However, after a pleasant vacation in the Caribbean, JSquared finally strapped on a set and decided to tell his parents about me while visiting them this weekend. Though I make fun, I do realize this is a big deal to him. He has only told his parents about two other girls in the past (at 34!) so this is his way of telling me (and them) that this is serious.

Back to the present - It was very strange to listen to the message, and yet it evoked an illicit thrill. Kind of like reading a passage from someone's diary and yet the person can't be mad at you for reading it. Plus, now I know JSquared's hand has been forced and he can't back out of telling the parentals about me. However, I am perturbed about his sister's comment about it being no "big deal." Was she implying that our relationship wasn't a big deal?

When JSquared got home and he listened to the message, I could tell he felt slightly uncomfortable. He said that his sister should not left a message like that, knowing that I'm at his apartment most weekends. I disagree - I hope she leaves more messages just like that one!

Selfish

Yes, I am selfish. The BF (AKA "JSquared") and I had a nice afternoon planned for tomorrow of drinks and watching the USA get killed by Italy in the World Cup. Saturday night we have separate evenings planned, so we wanted to spend the day together. Then his former co-worker's brother had to up and die. Tomorrow afternoon, instead of snuggling with me on the couch, JSquared will attend a memorial service for the brother of a woman he worked with six months ago and barely keeps in touch with. But JSquared feels like he should attend.

Yes, a part of me loves and respects JSquared for attending an obligatory memorial service for someone he has never met. However, the former co-worker is going to be in too much of a haze to care if he shows up. And his attending the memorial service cuts into JSquared's "Lux time." I feel like two year old who screams "No! Mine!" at anyone who comes near her favorite teddy bear. Like I said, I am selfish.