Open Mouth, Insert Stiletto, Part Deux

Last week I wrote about how my big mouth got me in trouble recently at a wedding. At Jsquared’s friend’s wedding I referred to the brother of the groom as "short" and things went haywire (see http://abagel.blogspot.com/2006/06/open-mouth-insert-stiletto.html). After finding out about the destructive path caused by my comments I sent Jsquared an email apologizing for everything; Jsquared forwarded this email to Groom. Jsquared and I have been waiting all week to hear from Groom about whether my apology was accepted. This is what Jsquared got back (with some changes to protect my ass from getting in trouble again):

Worry not my friend, life and shit and things that have happened will sort
themselves out and be straight. We SSSSs have dealt with much worse, MUCH WORSE.
Tell Lux her sentimentsand wishes are well received and much appreciated. It's
all good. Whatever can or will be said can or will and that's that. OK? OK.

Boys and girls, can we say "overly dramatic?" At least Groom realizes there are MUCH WORSE things that people have to deal with in this world. If this is how he reacts to a comment about his brother's posture I'm scared he'll pull a gun on someone who makes fun of his kid at Little League. However, I’m happy that I am in the clear and my apology was accepted. And I’m happy that things have been smoothed over between Jsquared and his friend.

Gifts I bought Jsquared for his birthday

1. Dirt - not the stuff from the ground; the hair product by Jonathan from the show Blow Out. A skeptic might say that this $25 goop is no better than the free soil outside. However, Jsquared expressed an interest, and I followed up

2. Superman T shirt and flipflops - not much of an explanation needed. He is a huge comic book geek

3. A Caleb Carr book - he is a huge fan of The Alienist, so I bought him the Italian Secretary. I also put a code in the book, underlining various letters in the opening chapter to spell out a message to him. Yes its corny, but Jsquared likes corny

4. Deck of cards with a photo from our Puerto Rico vacation printed on the back - got these from the Kodak gallery. I chose a photo that will remind us of the trip, but won’t embarrass him if he pulled out these cards on poker night.

5. A framed cartoon by Lux - I drew a funny cartoon about Jsquared and framed it. Again he loves the cheese factor

6. Wrote a song - Though some might call this is corny, writing this song was a huge amount of fun. Finding words that rhyme with "turkleton" is not easy, but the end result was rewarding. Plus, Jsquared wrote me a song for my birthday and I thought that was one of the best birthday presents I ever receive.

7. Cigar Regulator for his humidor - boring and he smokes way to many cigars, but I know he needed it.

8. Case of Southern Tier Unearthly Imperial IPA - the beer of champions. Finding a case of this stuff was like investigating a crime. It took numerous phone calls, interviews, and legwork. Can you believe that a 12 bottle case of this beer costs $85?

9. Lemon Poundcake - his favorite dessert

10. The big one: I signed us up for an Introduction to Wines class at the Culinary Institute - this is a serious class for those who want to learn about wine. For ages we have discussed taking a wines class, but neither one of us ever follows through. Well this time I did.

Excessive, yes. Jsquared is acting like a bit of a baby about turning 35. This is ok with me since I was a huge baby about turning 29. But I want him to know that he is loved and appreciated. And since I won’t tell him I love him (for reasons that I will explain in a later post), I’m showering him with material things instead. It would be cheaper if I could just say the words, but I will NOT say it first. At this point its turning into a bit of a battle of wills about who can hold out longer. All I can say is: I will win.

I hate rain

Left work and went shopping for my sister’s birthday present. Along the way I purchased a few things for myself. As I was walking home, laden down with shopping bags, the skies open up and I was caught in a torrential downpour. I did not have an umbrella, but since I was only two blocks from my apartment, I decided to tough it out. By the time I get to my door, I was soaked to the bone and my paper shopping bags were ready to disintegrate. While huddling on the doorstep I madly searched my bag for my keys . . . and realized I left them in the office. However, I had no cash on me to take a taxi. I trudged back out into the rain to find an ATM, but a block later I’m able to jump on a bus.

Back at the office, security listened to my plight but eyed me warily. Considering that I looked like a sodden mess clutching four ripped shopping bags, I wasn’t surprised. However, I must have sounded official because they let me into my office to grab my keys. Having reached the last ounces of my reserve, I decided to find an ATM, get cash, and take a cab home. While crossing the street, a car drove at Mach 10 through a huge puddle, sending a tidal wave of dirty water over my head soaking me for a second time. I took a cab home, poured myself a beer, and brought it with me into the shower.

I’m not sure why karma decided to unload a can of whoop-ass on me. I guess this is pay back for my comments to SSS.

Open Mouth, Insert Stiletto

Received a phone call from JSquared last night and he had a "we have to talk" tone in his voice. He had just gotten off the phone with a friend of his, whose wedding we attended at the beginning of June. Groom was extremely angry with me and angry with JSquared for bringing me to the wedding.

Why you ask? At some point during the wedding, I remarked to the Groom’s brother, Super Sensitive Shorty (hereinafter "SSS"), something along the lines "Stand up straight. You look much taller with good posture." This incredibly upset SSS who, prior to my comment, was having a fantastic evening at his brother’s wedding. Apparently he had some growth issues as a child, spending six years in a brace and is extremely sensitive about his height (approximately 5'7"?). My comment sent SSS into a tailspin for the rest of the evening. This then upset Groom, who was angry that SSS was so upset. This in turn upset Bride, who was angry that Groom and SSS were so upset.

So Groom and Jsquared had a nice hour long row about me - "What kind of person makes a comment like that?" "Her drunkenness doesn’t excuse her comments." "Lux is the queen of evil." Etc. JSquared valiantly defended me, explaining that I HAD NO IDEA about his brother’s childhood height issues and that my comments were not meant to offend. Jsquared also explained that he knew I would feel horribly about this and would want to apologize in any way I could. By the end of the conversation Groom had calmed down somewhat and said he would speak to SSS and see how he wanted to proceed.

After hearing all of this, I felt lower than dirt. I couldn’t stop thinking about the awful ripple effect caused by my comments. I hurt SSS. By hurting him I hurt Groom and Bride. By hurting them I caused a rift between JSquared and Groom. If I had known about SSS’s childhood ailments, I never would have made those comments. I made a random insensitive comment that meant no harm, but through the intersection of circumstances caused a ton of damage. I am terribly sorry about all of this and I plan on doing whatever I can to make things right.

However, I do have a few thoughts:

1. I do not remember making these comments. I do not doubt that I said this or am trying to absolve myself of any blame. I note this only to show that these were surfacely innocuous comments and nothing about the conversation or SSS's response to my comments stand out in my mind.

2. What I said really wasn’t that offensive. Insensitive, yes. Offensive, no. And the comments came from a good place. Though this is only my opinion, I believe that a shorter person can look inches taller by having good posture and walking into a room as if he/she owns it. SSS is a nice, shy, sensitive guy, albeit with terrible posture. Now I know that SSS’s bad posture comes from genetics rather than old-fashioned slouching. And that his posture in general is none of my business. However, at the time, I just wanted to make SSS aware of what good posture combined with a composed bearing could do for him.

3. Why didn’t SSS say something to me right after I commented on his height? Why not say immediately afterwards "You know I had growth issues as a child and I don’t appreciate you commenting on my height." Or, when I ran into SSS a week later, why didn’t he say something to me then? Why is Groom fighting SSS’s battles? SSS is an adult in his late twenties, not a child. If SSS has a problem with me, why didn’t he speak up?

4. Does the phrase "mountain out of a molehill" occur to anyone? Or "big baby"?

5. In the law, there exists the concept of the "hypersensitive plaintiff." Basically, a defendant will not be held liable to a person who suffers severe emotional trauma from conduct that would not seriously harm most people. SSS, Groom, and Bride fail to recognize that my comments about SSS’s height and posture, though none of my business, would not seriously upset a person who did not have SSS’s childhood history. These comments especially wouldn’t send most people into an emotional nosedive, making them unable to enjoy their sibling’s wedding. SSS - Grow up.

6. Why wait almost a full month to discuss this with JSquared, and therefore, me? I know Bride and Groom were on their honeymoon, but why didn’t they call when they got back two weeks ago? Why didn’t SSS say something when he saw me a week later? See #3.

Having gotten all of that out of my system, I publicly apologize to SSS. My insensitive comments, in light of what I now know about your history, were incredibly hurtful, and I’m sorry. If I had an inkling that my off the cuff statement would cause you this pain, I never would have said anything. No matter what my intent was or how innoffenseive I view my words, I still cut you to the core and I wish I could take them back.

I also publicly apologize to Bride and Groom. I like and respect both you very much. Finding out that my actions put a damper on your wedding hurts me deeply. I never meant to do so. I am incredibly sorry.

I hate walking past construction workers eating their lunches or taking a break. The workers either ogle you as you walk past or accost you with outrageous catcalls ("Hello Ms. Sugar Lips," "Hey Pink Pants," "Shake that thang," etc.). I'm not sure why they insist on acting like Neanderthals but my girlfriends and I find the experience extremely unpleasant.

Today I had the exact opposite encounter. On the way to pick up my dry cleaning I walked past four construction workers eating their lunches. Rather than leer at me, they gazed in my direction and said "Hello," "Good afternoon Ms.," and "Nice Day." I was surprised by their good manners and walked on a few steps, before turning around and heading back toward them.

I must tell you that this was the most pleasant interaction I've ever had
with construction workers. Rather than feeling like a sexual object, you
acknowledged me as a person. Thank you and have a nice day.

I thought acknowledgment might reinforce their good behavior. I only wish all construction workers could take a course given by Ms. Manners.

Kids say the darndest things

Yesterday, over lunch with his sister, niece, and parents, JSquared told his parents about me. After the grand announcement (I’m picturing a Charlton Heston-esque "I haavve a girrrlfriennnnd!"), his mother asked "What is she like?" JSquared said to his niece "You met Lux. Why don’t you tell Grandma what she is like?"

"Well, she used to be in clothes and she taught me about cashmere. She likes to draw and is very good at making penguins. And she has big breasts."

This is how his niece described me. And she said it as if those three points sum me up completely. According to her, the only things a person need know about me is that I used to work in the fashion industry, have some artistic talent, and big breasts. If his niece was an eight year old nephew, I would expect the pervy comment. Yes, they are large and they are spectacular, but his niece learned more about me than the size of my breasts. She could have gone with "blond" or "nice" or "smart" or "funny" or "tall" or "likes pizza" or any other various descriptors. She chose breasts.

Now, when I meet JSquared’s parents, both sets of eyes will immediately go to my chest.

2 am Drunk Dialing

At 2 am this morning my cell phone rang, waking me from a dead sleep. It was my friend Party Girl. I picked up assuming it was some sort of emergency and all I heard were the sounds of a rowdy reception. "Hello Party Girl, are you ok?" "Hello, hello?" "Hello?" Nothing but raucous laughter, boorish Wasp accents, and drunken speech. I hung up but it took an hour to go back to sleep.

This morning I texted Party Girl to make sure the 2 am phone call was accidental and that everything was ok. She texted back "Sorry about call. Was drunk, wanted to tell you funny joke, then forgot why I called. Put phone back in bag w/o hanging up. Sorry again." Thank you Party Girl. I appreciate the call. The joke was funny.

Exclusively Asia

WTF is up with the Asian chick thing? I don’t get it. I know plenty of guys have it huge for Asian women and basically only Asian women. My BF has it hard for Asian women; many of the women in his past are Asian. As a 5'9" tall, busty blond, I am the furthest thing from the sleek, black haired women of Asia. If he ever leaves me or cheats on me its going to be for/with a girl named Hiroko. I trust BF for the most part, but when there are Asian women around I watch him like a hawk.

How much is average?

My friend RR and I had dinner a few days ago, where she complained about her and her husband’s sex life. She said that at nine weeks pregnant, she doesn’t have the energy to have sex more than once or twice each week. She would rather sleep.

All joking, kidding, and exaggerating aside, I think having sex twice each week is pretty good. When the two people in a healthy long term relationship work 10-12 hour days, I would think that having sex twice each week is standard. Maybe you aren’t going for the Erotic Olympics gold, but you are still in contention for bronze or even silver. Especially if the couple does not live together.

JSquared and I are currently in a long distance phase of our relationship (me in Philadelphia, him in NYC), so we have sex once or twice a week, but we cram it into the weekends during our visits. (In the interests of full disclosure, I admit that last weekend’s three sessions were an outlier). When I move to NYC in September, I fully expect us to throw in at least one more session a week. If we eventually move in together, I can picture throwing in another freaky evening. But I do not expect us to get up to RR and her husband’s alleged six to seven sexual adventures each week. So how much is average?

Right Place, Wrong Person

While BF attended the memorial service on Saturday, I vegged out on his couch and finished reading a Caleb Carr novel. His land line rings and though I instinct is to pick it up (why?), it goes to voice mail. This was the message left by JSquared's sister:

"JSquared, we've been outed. Mom heard about our myspace pages from K and checked them out without telling us. Then she called me and said 'JSquared has a girlfriend! And she is blond! And she is a lawyer!' I told her that yes I knew about her and that it was no big deal and that you were planning on telling her about the girlfriend when you were home this weekend. I guess the cat is out of the bag now!"

Some background: Though JSquared and I have been dating for around eight months, he has yet to tell his parents about me. For some perspective, I told my parents about our first date. He claims that it is because his mother gets over enthusiastic about the women that he dates and that she gets very disappointed when it doesn't work out. (Though this may be the case, I think the real reason why he doesn't say anything is because he doesn't want his parents to know how many women he has dated). However, after a pleasant vacation in the Caribbean, JSquared finally strapped on a set and decided to tell his parents about me while visiting them this weekend. Though I make fun, I do realize this is a big deal to him. He has only told his parents about two other girls in the past (at 34!) so this is his way of telling me (and them) that this is serious.

Back to the present - It was very strange to listen to the message, and yet it evoked an illicit thrill. Kind of like reading a passage from someone's diary and yet the person can't be mad at you for reading it. Plus, now I know JSquared's hand has been forced and he can't back out of telling the parentals about me. However, I am perturbed about his sister's comment about it being no "big deal." Was she implying that our relationship wasn't a big deal?

When JSquared got home and he listened to the message, I could tell he felt slightly uncomfortable. He said that his sister should not left a message like that, knowing that I'm at his apartment most weekends. I disagree - I hope she leaves more messages just like that one!